If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.
I love deadlines...especially the 'whooshing' sound they make as they fly by.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for 'synonym'?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What is another word for 'thesaurus'?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
